“What
the Photograph reproduces to infinity has occurred only once: the Photograph
mechanically repeats what could never be repeated existentially.”
Roland Barthes, 'Camera Lucida: Reflections on
Photography'
Unlike other
assignments, notably assignment 2, I have known for a long time what subject I
would tackle for the final assignment of the course. I was inspired by an
article in the March 2013 edition of 'The
British Journal of Photography' about photography in children's books
particularly reading about Alec Soth and his collaborations with his own
children. I thought this would be a fun way to end the course to do this myself
and for months have talked to my three children about producing a story book
together. We discussed the story, the look and I encouraged them to write
scripts and story board. Then at the time we started shooting the images and
experimenting with Photoshop things changed because my Grandmother passed away
suddenly.
The practicalities
of dealing with a family members death took up the majority of my spare time
and I was not in the right frame of mind to work on the storybook. On an
evening I found myself thinking through memories of my Grandmother and
considering the relationship we had. I had been asked to speak at the funeral
and was finding coming up with something extremely difficult, I found myself
facing complex emotions when thinking about my grandmother, not all of them
positive and this played heavily on me. I started looking through old
photographs on my computer which dated back as far as 2002 when I got my first
digital camera. I started looking for prints from earlier than this but could
not put my hand on any although I knew they packed away in the house somewhere.
I asked my mother to do the same and she had a similar problem, however, she
did manage to find around 50 prints and I found myself viewing these in a much
different way now that my grandmother had passed. The photographs carried an
emotional charge for me and I found myself drawn to images that I probably
would have discounted earlier. The majority of pictures were 'badly' composed
or had exposure problems, I found myself looking closer at a number of pictures
on my computer that had not made it into my selects when I first edited them.
Why was this? Was it because I was looking at the photographs through the prism
of grief or had my way of seeing altered in recent months? I was certainly
aware that I was becoming more interested in less conventional approaches to
image making but how much of an effect had this had on me? Typical with family
snapshots a lot of the images were posed and taken on special occasions -
birthdays, Christmas, weddings. I realised that I was attracted to the more
natural looking pictures, they seemed to show more truth (as I understood it)
because often the people in them were unaware of being photographed or had not
been given time to put up there defences, pose and smile.
In a strange
coincidence I had also recently finished reading Roland Barthes 'Camera Lucida' after being encouraged to do
so by my tutor. The book had sat on my shelf for some time and I had mentioned
to my tutor that I was trying to build up the courage to tackle it, his comment
was that although Barthes could be "prickly" in places it was worth
persevering with. My first impression was that the book was much different than
I expected - I did not think the tone would be so personal and I found myself
engaged. The writing felt accessible but poetic and dense at the same time.
Sometimes I found myself understanding exactly what Barthes was asserting and
at others I was perplexed. I realised quickly that the book was something I
would need to come back to many times again to gain a complete understanding
and allowed the words to seep over me. The sections that deal with the death of
Barthes mother and his search for her essence in old photographs struck a chord
with me but I did not expect to be doing the same thing myself - not that I did
this with images of my Grandma in a conscious way, it just seemed to happen.
Without really realising what I was doing I had collected a number of images
together, I found the process comforting. I then began to wonder if I would do
anything with the pictures, I would probably have some new prints made I
thought. I cannot exactly remember when I decided I would use some of these
images for this assignment rather than make the photobook with my children that
I had long planned to do. It just suddenly seemed like the right thing to do -
I felt compelled to produce something, maybe it was the feeling that the act of
doing this would be some sort of catharsis. As I have discussed throughout the
course, particularly in relation to assignments, I am often full of self doubt
and have to really push myself at times to produce the work for the course. I
would say I am a private person and certainly not someone that would turn the
camera on themselves in the way Nan Goldin does, certainly none of the work I
have produced for any of my OCA courses has been about me, and here I was about
to produce something completely personal without a shred of self doubt - quite
the opposite, I would say I was compelled to do it.
I remembered about
'The Dad Project' by Briony Campbell
which was a work that had a tremendous effect on me when I came across it some
time ago. I identified with it because I went through a similar situation
watching my Grandfather slowly die six years ago. The thing that impressed me
most was how personal the piece was and how Campbell used the project to deal
with the grief of her father dying from cancer. The project is harrowing and
does not shy from the grim reality of the situation and yet is also uplifting.
The final image is of Campbell as a child wearing her Dad's coat, shoes and hat
and is a poignant and fitting conclusion. The captions work in harmony with the
images and read more like diary entries rather than explanations of what is
happening in the photographs which is fitting since the piece is in itself a
diary of her Dad dying. My opinion of captioning images has been changing of
late, previously I believed captions should be brief and not influence the
viewer into how they should read and image. Now I am beginning to understand
how words can and images can work together to enrich the viewing experience
rather than detract. I recently visited an exhibition by Lorna Simpson and who
uses writing extensively in her work to great effect, the words do not lead the
viewer about what to think but rather enable you to question what it is you are
viewing. For example, one work 'The Car' (1995) the reading of the
piece is transformed by the words which accompany it, the scene changes
from a seemingly innocent even boring view to take on a charged, illicit and
seedy feel.
So now I had an idea
of what I wanted to do, I photographed the prints I had been given by my mother
and began the selection process. Unlike other times when I have selected images
I was unconcerned about composition and exposure, in fact, in hindsight I
probably selected some images because they were issues with them. My only guide
to selection was that something should be in the pictures to prick my
attention. I then wrote a short a few sentences to go with each image. I did
not really know what I would write but I found the process to happen quickly
and organically, some words were from the eulogy others were thoughts I had in
my mind but had not been able to articulate aloud. I wanted the words to sit
alongside the images but when I did this the text seemed at odds with the
photographs. Intuitively I copied and flipped the photographs before lowering
the opacity by 50% and overlaying the text. For me this adds an element of
distance between the viewer and the pictures, you are made aware that what you
are looking at has been selected for a
particular effect. Flipping the images is also slightly off putting, I find
myself looking between the images and being made explicitly aware that this is
a picture I am viewing; a representation rather than a truth.
Finishing writing
about this assignment I feel a sense of conflict that on the one hand I am glad
this is what I chose to do and on the other I have gone too far out on a limb.
It is completely outside of my comfort zone to produce work like this and I doubt
I would have been able to do this at any other time because of how close it was
to my Grandmas passing. I am shocked at how compelled I was do this and the
sense of drive I had - this is not a typical feeling, usually I find bringing
everything together a long, drawn out process. And yet, with this project which
is deeply personal to me I found the images and words coming together quickly
and organically. Truthfully, I am far too close to the subject matter to be
objective and I am unsure of how the images will be read. I hope it will be
seen as being genuine and heartfelt but worry it is maybe too indulgent and
sentimental, Barthes never shows the reader the 'Winter
Garden Photograph' the photograph of his mother in which he found her
"essence" and discusses at length in 'Camera Lucida' he says, "it exists only for me. For you it would be
nothing but an indifferent picture." A sobering thought as I send
this assignment in, I guess only time will enable me to look back and decide
whether the images here have any meaning for anyone but myself.
